Fat, Ugly and Sad

Well my anger and stress levels are worst!

I can’t get rid of this anger in my chest and it’s only getting worst. Lack of sleep and shit at home and work is just making it worst. I think I am in need of a break from it all. It’s too much emotional drama for me. I don’t process emotions correctly at all. I learnt that about myself after my Nan passed away.

I was there when she died in hospital. Myself and a few other family members in the room just watching.

It was the most surreal and traumatizing moment of my life and yet I was completely numb. At the time I felt nothing. I just watched as she slowly went to sleep. There was no struggle. No gasping for breath. Just silence.

I can remember just looking at her after and thinking she’s still here nothing has happened. Not once did it feel real. Not until my mother left me at home to get my sisters and that is when i collapsed in a heap on the landing. The next day nothing.

I mourned at the funeral then once we were home for the wake nothing. I miss her but it doesn’t feel real.

So that was a bit of an eye opener really for me. Not only that I have immense amounts of rage and huge waves of sadness hit me constantly and normally over something so trivial.

It’s also hard for me to talk to people about it. It’s easy to type into a computer what you feel or why you are the way you are. No one knows who I am and no one will come and see me and say things I can not take.

Most of my issues stem from school and high school.

I’ve always been over weight and i’m currently between a UK size 22 -24. I look disgusting in a full length mirror and refuse to look in one. The only time I do is in a small vanity mirror for make up and hair. As you can guess I got bullied a lot. I don’t type this for pity or for sympathy. It just happened and i’m telling you about it. It has caused me to have a lot of physiological issues. I don’t have many friends and my confidence is not the best. I can just about go to my town on my own.

It’s hard to not slip into the spiral of depression that I have fought so hard in and out of. I find it hard to take any sort of compliment because if I don’t like what I see why would anyone else.

I know what people will think. If your so unhappy why don’t you change? The answer I never really wanted to. I kept thinking it’s not that bad, I don’t look that big.

I clearly did. I see it now because of a harsh trick someone played on me, which involved recording me on an exercise bike to make fun of me. Just I am 26 years old and people are still that mean to me. Regardless I am currently in a state of depression and I am struggling to get back out this time.

I’m so angry at them for doing that to me but i’m also angry at myself. Why have I let myself get this bad. I’m a monster and at the same time all I want to do is eat pizza and crisps to make me feel better. I’m stuck in the vicious circle of food is friend but food it bad.

Again, this is why I think I don’t process emotion properly. Everything seems to be over the top or not enough. I wish I could wake up one day and just be thin and pretty. My sisters are. I’m the fat awkward sister that nobody knows about because I hid in my room and wrote poetry and listen to dark music.

Ugh! For me right now I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do anymore.

If someone does read this have you got any advice. Harsh or not freedom of speak and all that shit. I just want to know if there is a way to stay out of the dark.

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