I LOVE FOOD!

I seriously have a bad relationship with food. It has a control over me like nothing else, I love food.

I wish I like all the good stuff for you but sadly I love all the fatty shit foods you can get. The worst it is for you the more likely I am to be obsessed with it. Which is the reason I am the size I am.

If salad tasted like a greasy burger i’d be on it.

I find it so difficult to find foods I like that are actually good for you. It’s more to do with texture then taste if I’m honest. I think I’ve always been a picky eater since I was small and considering we didn’t have much money and I pretty much refused to eat healthy things, it was just easier for my mum to give in and give me what I wanted.

I know she feels bad about it and I don’t really understand why, She was in a difficult point in her life and I was a pain when it came to food.

Sadly it has become quite difficult now to find foods I will eat myself. I force myself to eat salad and certain things you would put in such salad, but it’s difficult trying new foods. I also find that everything that is good for you is so much more expensive. How about you raise the price of all the shit food and lower the good stuff. Maybe then Britain wouldn’t have such a problem with obesity in children.

I have to admit I am the kind of person who eats their feelings so every time I am down or upset the food is the one who saves me. I always feel guilty after and I’ll always end up eating more. It is such a vicious circle and it is hard to find a way out.

I’m in desperate need if cooking and food advice. It’s really difficult too with my allergies to find things I can have as healthy snacks. I get to the point where I think I need to do something about my beastly appearance, but again with lack of knowledge and confidence to go to the gym i just get nowhere.

Just thinking about a gym makes me feel sick. All the gym bunnies looking at me or taking the piss out of me. I could only imagine what they would think of me. I could never do it alone. I couldn’t take it if someone made fun of me. My confidence would be shattered in seconds!!!

Apparently yoga is meant to be good for blobs like me. Maybe I should try that.

This needs some research.

 

Vicky out!

Cramps!

Well a new development has happened today.

For the first time in five years I have started my periods again. I’m on the mini pill and when I first started taking it my periods stopped straight away. I was fine with this, it worked for me. Taking the pill at the same time everyday became the routine and the plus sides of no breaks made it easier to remember.

Yes the added bonus of now bleeding and no interruptions for sex was brilliant and I’ve been happy with that for the last five years.

Well I think this has sadly come to an end of which I am very unhappy with. It’s just not the normal for me. I was a bit concerned but the doctor assured me that this apparently can happen even if it’s been so many years.

I can honestly say that I forgot how bad they can be. The emotional roller-coaster and the cravings for food and attention. Oh god the cramps are the worst.

At the moment they have told me that they can stop and start a lot in the next week or so. How do you other guys cope? is there anything I can take or I can do to help the cramps. A hot water bottle is not doing the trick.

Meh! pass me the chocolate!

Fat, Ugly and Sad

Well my anger and stress levels are worst!

I can’t get rid of this anger in my chest and it’s only getting worst. Lack of sleep and shit at home and work is just making it worst. I think I am in need of a break from it all. It’s too much emotional drama for me. I don’t process emotions correctly at all. I learnt that about myself after my Nan passed away.

I was there when she died in hospital. Myself and a few other family members in the room just watching.

It was the most surreal and traumatizing moment of my life and yet I was completely numb. At the time I felt nothing. I just watched as she slowly went to sleep. There was no struggle. No gasping for breath. Just silence.

I can remember just looking at her after and thinking she’s still here nothing has happened. Not once did it feel real. Not until my mother left me at home to get my sisters and that is when i collapsed in a heap on the landing. The next day nothing.

I mourned at the funeral then once we were home for the wake nothing. I miss her but it doesn’t feel real.

So that was a bit of an eye opener really for me. Not only that I have immense amounts of rage and huge waves of sadness hit me constantly and normally over something so trivial.

It’s also hard for me to talk to people about it. It’s easy to type into a computer what you feel or why you are the way you are. No one knows who I am and no one will come and see me and say things I can not take.

Most of my issues stem from school and high school.

I’ve always been over weight and i’m currently between a UK size 22 -24. I look disgusting in a full length mirror and refuse to look in one. The only time I do is in a small vanity mirror for make up and hair. As you can guess I got bullied a lot. I don’t type this for pity or for sympathy. It just happened and i’m telling you about it. It has caused me to have a lot of physiological issues. I don’t have many friends and my confidence is not the best. I can just about go to my town on my own.

It’s hard to not slip into the spiral of depression that I have fought so hard in and out of. I find it hard to take any sort of compliment because if I don’t like what I see why would anyone else.

I know what people will think. If your so unhappy why don’t you change? The answer I never really wanted to. I kept thinking it’s not that bad, I don’t look that big.

I clearly did. I see it now because of a harsh trick someone played on me, which involved recording me on an exercise bike to make fun of me. Just I am 26 years old and people are still that mean to me. Regardless I am currently in a state of depression and I am struggling to get back out this time.

I’m so angry at them for doing that to me but i’m also angry at myself. Why have I let myself get this bad. I’m a monster and at the same time all I want to do is eat pizza and crisps to make me feel better. I’m stuck in the vicious circle of food is friend but food it bad.

Again, this is why I think I don’t process emotion properly. Everything seems to be over the top or not enough. I wish I could wake up one day and just be thin and pretty. My sisters are. I’m the fat awkward sister that nobody knows about because I hid in my room and wrote poetry and listen to dark music.

Ugh! For me right now I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do anymore.

If someone does read this have you got any advice. Harsh or not freedom of speak and all that shit. I just want to know if there is a way to stay out of the dark.

To Be Free

I clipped my wing so I could be free.
To be the person I need to be
I’m not perfect not one bit
I like to feel like the misfit
To be the nerd, the geek, the weird
To be myself is nothing to be feared
This is what you need to see
I clipped my wings so I could be free

I sing for you, I sing for me
Turn away from what you use to be
Embrace yourself, be true to you
Snap the chains and break through
Don’t hold back from what you are
Empower yourself, Embrace the bizarre
Love yourself so you can be free
I sing for you, I sing for me

 

 

Stress Is A Bitch!

Well today I realised that time really is a bastard!

I have never had a day as slow as this one. It has honestly felt like the longest day of my life so far! Plus to make matters worst my previous post was still on going.

I just couldn’t cope today.

Lately I have been making a few mistake in my work, which is not like me. I always take pride in my work. So when i find out that I have made not only one but FOUR mistakes in the last week has shattered me.

It’s not like me and I do not like it. I know everyone makes little mistakes and to an extent I can cope with that. These however have been quite big mistakes, something I shouldn’t be making after I’ve been there for as long as I have.

I’ve always been very hard on myself. I like perfection in everything I do. Everything is done within a time scale and is planned throughout the day. I ALWAYS stick to it. Granted lately I have not, which is why I think I have been making so many mistakes.

I think it boils down to too much stress. A lot of things have been happening around me and to me lately. Physical and emotional pain is a bitch. I’ve lost people too which seems to creep into my track of thought when I least expect it. It’s emotional trauma that I need to move on from. Still doesn’t stop the stress though.

Plus my stress levels have got even higher since the four fuck ups in work. I mean who the hell orders four tables and one chair for a stores customer. A new customer I may add! It’s stupid mistakes I shouldn’t be making. My concentration has clearly left the building.

I so angry at myself!

I don’t do this so why has my mind decided to clearly switch off and think it will go for a wonder and return sometime later. Not only that I find myself triple checking everything that I do. It’s honestly exhausting. People say that I need to learn to relax more and just ride it out. Well I don’t want to, I want to be me again. How do you get rid of stress anyway?! It’s not like I can take a pill and be done with it. It’s not some infection and a few pills will make the whole thing go away is it!

Ugh! I don’t know how people do it.

And you know what else! I can’t deal with my airy fairy colleagues! It’s like hello I am not the only one working in this office. How about you get your head out of your ass and do some work with me!!!

No wondering I’m making mistakes if I am trying to do everything in the bastard place.

Okay, so I clearly have issues with people I work with but maybe I should get into that.

Maybe next time.

Numerus Klausus #26: Robo-Hunting

This is amazing! Check it out!

Klaustoon's Blog

NK 26 Robo Hunting_sm

Click to enlarge

I’ve wanted to do one of these since I discovered Tom Gauld’s cultural cartoons for The Guardian. Of course, mine pales in the comparison, but still. check your robo-architectural skills!

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The original cartoon can be found as originally published in the “Klaus Kube” section of Uncube Magazine #36: Uncanny Valley, edited by Sophie Lovell, Florian Heilmeyer, Ron Wilson, Elvia Wilk et al.

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Volcanic Eruptions

What do you do when the atmosphere at home feels like a simmering volcano which will erupt at any given time?

Me, myself, am hiding it out until the sun comes back out. Being stuck at home at the age of 26 desperately saving every once of money I can spare is hard enough. Being stuck in the middle of your mother and sister having a fight is even worse.

That said how do you react when you agree with everything your sister has to say. That I think my mother has been irresponsible and I agree that priorities have been messed up. I think my sister have every right to say what she did. We both live here and we both pay rent, we have a right to know what goes on under the room we pay for.

Again how do you say that to your mother who could easily kick you out if she wanted to. Not that she would my mother is not like that, but right now she is angrier than hell and i’m a little scared.

I feel bad that my sister has taken the heat for all this. As I walked downstairs I see them walk past each other and not say a word, just the dark stare as they walk past one another. That’s cold in my book. I also think it is ridiculous.

I am a believer that if your having a fight with someone you love, with a fight as bad as this one then it must be resolved before you sleep. DO NOT sleep on an argument. Things just go around and around in my head, which not only makes me feel even worst, it makes me even angrier because always wish I said things differently.

I also believe that everyone is entitled to an opinion and deserves to know the truth at all times. Yes sometime this can be harsh on others but better to be honest than to be called a liar. Am I right?

Don’t get me wrong, a white lie here and then to cover a few things I can forgive but not outright lies.

Anyway, i got sidetracked there.

So, they are not speaking and it felt quite intense down there.

I made small talk with my mother as much as possible but when I tired to push onto the fight I got shut down. I made my way to my current position of bed but stopped on the stairs.

I told her that for them not to be speak over this is pretty silly and that maybe she should talk to my sister. The reply I got, in what can only be described as through gritted teeth was, I am too angry to speak to anyone right now! I am fuming and I think it’s a conversation worth forgetting don’t you?!

What the hell do you say to that?

I just looked at her and said that i agreed with what was said and I’m sorry if that upsets you. If it was me I would have done things differently to you. It was irresponsible and it is not the first time either.

And that was that.

It’s a really difficult place to be stuck in. I think it needs to be pushed so my mother can see how stupid she has been. It’s a dangerous game she played and its not right. We deserve to know what shit is going on around us considering it’s our home too!

We pay rent therefore we have rights. I hope things settle down by tomorrow but it doesn’t look likely. They are both stubborn whereas I am the marshmallow in the middle who cries over everything and anything. I mean I even cry when I am angry, which is a lot so for me to be so docile about this is new to me.

Maybe it’s because it’s my mother and there is an unwritten law that you must always show respect to someone who is older than you, more so if it is your mum.

Ugh! wish my Nan was still about. She would have sorted everything by now.

Anyway that’s all I got for now.

Vicky

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